Nov 15, 2007

Here we go again with the holiday crap

And here is probably another entry from me about why I'd like to into hiding for the next 6 weeks...when you grow up in an abusive home with a female parent who is your basic sociopath - well, you can kind of guess that the normal abuse and insanity gets intensified around "holiday" time - any holiday will do actually - one Easter (and why is that a holiday?) she got up from the dinner table and announced she was running away from home - and she left. I think we just kept on eating - she "ran away" from home on many occasions - it's a tad embarrassing when the whole neighborhood comes out to watch as your father drives slowly down the street, yelling out the car window "June, get in the car" and June just keeps marching down the street to the bus stop. No, she doesn't actually get on the bus, she gets in the car and comes back. It was always amusing (at least in retrospect) that she would ANNOUNCE she was leaving and then go - sometimes Pop let her, sometimes he followed down the street in the car. Fun times, everyone! Happy holiday memories!

Ah but Christmas and Thanksgiving - those were SPECIAL bad times! And every year there would be that SPECIAL beating accompanied by "I'll make you remember Thanksgiving/Christmas 19__(fill in the rest of the year yourself - it happened every year). And guess what, I have remembered. And guess what, I HATE holidays. And guess what else, these are the times I hate HER! The rest of the time, I don't know what I feel about her, certainly not active hate, not pity exactly either. But I don't feel bad about not caring about this creature, my shrink didn't like her either LOL Sometimes numb is a good thing.

Oct 13, 2007

Odds and Ends

The two greatest dance songs of all time are from such vastly different eras it makes me wonder about my taste in music (but not much)- "In The Mood" by Glenn Miller and "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson. If it ain't got rhythm it ain't music and it ain't poetry - hell, I bop in my seat at the symphony! (I'll give it a 75 Dick - it's got a good beat and you can dance to it!)

If a motor vehicle comes with a roll bar as standard equipment, shouldn't you be thinking long and hard about why?

My husband was watching our new little boy kitty chase his tail....
Husband: It must be nice to have a toy attached to your body
Me: Don't all men?

It took him 2 beats to get it...

Oct 12, 2007

Art Gallery Rampage OR I'm such hot shit!

I snuck outside for a cigarette break and next door is an art gallery and the nice man who works there (or owns it - I'm not sure) was cleaning the windows and said "Come in, look around" I replied "I'm supposed to be working, but I'll stop in after work" So as I'm leaving work, guy spots me through the window, waves - okay now I'm stuck - I go in look around - a few interesting things - he starts to show me some photographs he just got in by Clint Clemens - the great grandson of Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain - who is a commercial photographer yadda yadda yadda I say I prefer black and white photos, preferably of people. I go on a bit about b/w photos and portraits, drop some names, little guy says "You are passionate". Well, yes, yes I am. Little guy says "Wait, I have something you will love" - whoopsies, now I'm in trouble, if i hate it, his feelings will be hurt, if I love it, I can't afford it - I'm sweating.

He brings out a photo, matted and framed called "Wet Kiss" by Steven L. Miller - stunning! It is not a limited edition but it is signed by the photographer and the print was pulled from the original and printed, at the request of the gallery guy, on rag linen paper - so it looks very much like a painting - it's a photograph that looks like an impressionist painting - it's breath taking, really.

But I don't like the matting or the frame. It seems the photographer picked the matting and frame himself - bad choices! So little art gallery guy says "If you love it I will give you a discount (it's marked $389) - I wuff and fluff because the frame really sucks - it's expensive, you can tell, but just awful - I say "Well, it really needs reframing and rematting" - he agrees so I say "What the hell - it will be my birthday present to myself" Now the fun begins.

I start tearing through the mat samples - I know exactly what color would work - a silver gray - little art gallery guy and I are just tossing mat samples around, having a gay ole time (and I mean that in a very kind way) - we finally get the right mat then it's on to the frame - again, it's like two girlfriends in a shoe store - whee! "Try this! No, this one - Fabulous but maybe a bit bright - What about a blue - No, no that's textured!" Got the frame, with the discounts - my birthday present to myself comes to $380.18 !!! The frame and matting cost more than the print! Won't get it for maybe 2 weeks but I love it - It's mine!

As I was leaving, an artist comes in with a painting for a show of his they are having at this gallery - there are already 2 of his paintings hanging, both similar, one under the other - this new one he is bringing in is different in tone and color and subject matter - artist says "Where are you going to put this one?" art gallery guy says "I don't think we should put too many out before the show" I stick my 2 cents in and say "Take down one of these and put up this newest one" I had already told art gallery guy that he should separate the 2 paintings he already had up since they were similar and would distract a casual viewer from really seeing them. We all agree and switch out one of the southwestern landscapes for "Paris Balcony" - Voila! brilliant! Artist, art gallery guy and I all agree this new grouping shows off both paintings to advantage...

I take my leave and bounce on home - I have spent an hour and a half in this dinky little art gallery rearranging the exhibits; changing an artist's choice of frame for his own work and generally running amok ...

I had a total blast!

Oct 6, 2007

Friends - Do you define them OR Do they define you?

I had different sets of friends. There were the classical music friends who wouldn't be caught dead in a pop music venue and the friends who wouldn't go to the opera if you paid them. And jazz people are TOTAL music snobs I had my arty friends to go gallery and museum hopping. My upper east side friends, my Harlem friends and my Village friends. Friends who couldn't read or appreciate anything past a comic book and friends who were college professors.

Where ever my curiosity took me, that's where I went and I never found anyone who wanted to go to all the places I did - so different social circles for different curiosities...Like Jerry Garcia said "What a long strange trip it's been"

Sep 23, 2007

The Christian Bible and Faith

The bible that is used now is made up of thousands of years of bad translations and editorial comments - that there is wisdom there, there can be no doubt and if anyone finds comfort and guidance there, that is a good thing. But there was "religion" and "belief" and "faith" and the Divine long before there was a "bible" - Human beings seem to have an almost innate drive to believe in the Divine. The ineffable, the mysterious - human beings have always sought it - because, I believe, it is there to be sought and found.

I think that those who say they do not believe are afraid - afraid to believe and at the same time, afraid NOT to believe. It's hard to live your life afraid - And so we pray for those who say they live without Faith because, while they do not believe in the Divine, the Divine believes in them.

Sep 15, 2007

Dysfunctional Family OR My own personal sit-com

Was chit-chatting with someone at the office about Virgos and Libras. I mentioned that my father was a Virgo and my mother was a Libra (I also am a Libra but way different than my mother - thank the lord for small blessings) and that this caused some problems in the relationship. My father would scream and yell that things were out of place and the mother would say "But it's clean" - okay, Pop's thing was "a place for everything and everything in it's place" - the mother's thing was "it's clean!" - neat, tidy and organized - not so much. Now I take after my father - I am neat and organized almost to the point of OCD - the clean thing, well I like clean but have learned to overlook a little schmutz here and there...

Anyway, I also was relating how my parents were either screaming at each other or weren't speaking at all - nothing like living with a bunch of extremists - and at the dinner table my father would say "Tell your mother that..." or the mother would say "Tell your father that..." As I got older I recognized the inanity of this and would say "I think he/she heard you" Dear god, these were supposed to be adults!!!! The person I was relating this to said "Ohhh - it sounds just like a sit-com" - And oddly enough, it does. Certainly in retrospect I've got to laugh at some of the dysfunctional nonsense that went on in my childhood home, but ya know, when it happened it wasn't funny at all. Not one little bit.

May 13, 2007

It would have been nice to have parents...

Sometimes I think it would have been very nice to have had parents. I mean other than DNA contributors. I’m not being whiny or bitter here - little late for that - but I just wonder what it would have been like to have parents.

Have I watched too many TV shows? I loved my father, make no mistake about that, and certainly I was a “daddy’s girl” but you know my father never really “parented” - he was never involved in my life, I don’t think he ever knew who or what I was. He taught me much - practical things like how to pay bills, write checks, balance a check book. He took me took every museum in NYC; was adamant that I speak English correctly - all good and useful things to be sure but he never asked me who I was, or who I wanted to be. Do parents do that? Are they supposed to? I honest to god don’t know.

The female DNA contributor was another whole ugly story - I still haven’t figured out how to deal with her - Do I feel sorry for her? She was obviously a very, very troubled person. All the stories she told about HER abused childhood turned out to be false - was that her way of coping with what she did not understand? Did she not understand (no of course she didn’t) that she was emotionally disturbed? Did she have some inkling that her relationship with the world was not quite right? Were the stories (ok - lies) told to justify her actions? Too many questions for which there are no answers, and yet I can’t stop myself from constantly asking them -

I think it might have been nice to have parents and a family…

Feb 15, 2007

What is Romance?

I am not a romantic person - not all flowery and mushy and all "oh baby, baby". I didn't get married until I was almost 44 - and maybe that's the difference, but even looking back to all those single years - what most got my heart was little considerations - not flowers or presents or dinners - I could always afford my own flowers or dinners - I didn't need someone to give me those things - I needed and wanted someone to hold my hand at the end of a bad day and lie to me and tell me everything would be all right.

We do the dishes together every night, my husband and I, and that's romantic. He shares his frustrations with his job, and that's romantic. He goes to art shows with me, even tho he has no interest and that is romantic.

Is romance showing someone you love them? And how do you show someone you love them? Presents, flowers, sex? Is that romance, love?

No, for me it is sharing all that day to day "drudgery" known as life - my husband vacuums and cleans the bathroom because I physically can't do those things anymore - He can read my face and knows what I'm thinking - and that is romantic.

He thinks I'm smart and funny - and that's romantic.

And no matter how cheerful and upbeat I act, he knows when the pain is getting the better of me and he stops me from doing whatever I am doing and he does it instead - and that's romantic.

And we always hold hands - no matter where we are - it's an automatic reflex - if I put out my hand I know his will be right there...and that is romantic.

I'd rather have his hand in mine than all the flowers in the universe. And that's all I have ever wanted - someone to hold my hand and lie to me and tell me it's all gonna be all right!